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A Few Things I've Stolen (1)The Presidency of the United States of America |
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HOW I STOLE THE PRESIDENCY . . . . TWICE
Election 2004
Forget about the first time, 2004 was the real beauty. Getting away with grand larceny may be nice, but pulling it off without anybody seeming to notice is the best.On the night of November 2nd 2004 a strange thing happened. The exit polls all suggested a huge victory for my opponent by about 3% of votes cast or 5 million votes; when the actual results came in I was 2 ½% ahead. In the state of Ohio on which the whole election ultimately rested the difference between the exit polls and the official result was even more pronounced.
Now exit polls are universally considered to be the benchmark of the honesty of an election. International observers use them to determine the relative honesty of elections in the Third World.
To put things in perspective during the last 40 years exit polls in Germany have never been more than 3 tenths of a percent out. Meanwhile another election during November 2004 over in the Ukraine showed exit polls that were between 4 and 10 percent out. The election was widely condemned as rigged, the government was forced to resign, and a new poll was held.
The difference was that in the Ukraine the people came out on the streets in their millions while the good folks of America quietly went back to work. The media decided the exit polls must have simply been wrong, a one in a million chance according to the statisticians. Perhaps the people simply didn't believe that fraud of this scale could possibly happen, not right here at home. After all the exit polls had never been wrong before, well not till 2000. God bless America.
I’ll take the 5th on finer details of exactly how we rigged the election, but I instead refer you to the following most informative articles.
http.//www.rollingstone.com/news/story/10432334
http://www.scoop.co.nz/stories/WO0503/S00470.htm
http://www.wsws.org/articles/2006/sep2006/ukra-s14.shtml
Election 2000
THE SITUATION
After the 2000 election it quickly became clear it was so close that the result would hinge on whether thousands of ballots which voting machines had failed to read in Florida were allowed to be counted by hand. If we could stop these votes from being counted I would win, otherwise I would lose.WHY DID WE STAND TO LOSE SO MUCH FROM THE EXTRA VOTES BEING COUNTED?
It all hinged on the punchcard voting system. This was first used in the 1964 Presidential primary election, and quickly came into widespread use. Once it became clear however, that this system failed to count large numbers of votes it quickly started to lose popularity. By the early 1990’s the system was quickly being replaced. Only the poorer counties who didn’t feel they could afford new equipment retained the punchcards. Since I’ve always tried to make it crystal clear that I don’t give a rat’s ass about poor folk, it didn’t take a genius to figure out who most of the uncounted votes were for.HOW WE PULLED IT OFF
After the Florida Supreme court had ruled that the recount should go ahead our only option was to go to the even more Supreme Court over in Washington. Now if you’re going to get away with a bit of thievery it sure helps to have a judge who’s rooting for you. Luckily most of the judges in the Supreme Court had been appointed by either my daddy, or his best buddy Ronald. They voted by 5-4 to stop the recount and I became President, Yee Haw.THE JUSTIFICATION
Funniest part of the whole thing they justified the whole thing by citing the 14th Amendment, “No State shall...deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.” because they said the recount was being conducted differently in different parts of the State, when the very reason a recount was necessary was because of the different voting systems which break this very same amendment. God bless America.Of course all this is only one small part of the story. The real heist began long before the election began. To fully document it would need at least one website to itself. Luckily there are few. A selection:
www.freerepublic.com
www.bushflash.com
www.archives.cnn.com/2001
www.knowthecandidates.org
www.angelfire.com
Other Things I Have Stolen.
$2,000,000,000,000 of United States taxpayer’s money.
These voters only had to wait for 45 minutes to vote. That's because they live in Mosambique. In Ohio the waiting time in 2004 was about 3 hours in black neighbourhoods. . . . . 20 minutes in white ones.